How To Lose A Case-Part 2

Winning is an art form. So is losing.

'Phoning home' isn't an option if it goes pear-shaped in court

There are no end of people online telling you how to ‘win’ in life, if only you would “do these 3 simple things” that “not a lot of people know about”.

Winning is 'simple, within 'anyone’s reach' and just requires you to stop doing the 'stupid stuff' you’re doing and pay attention to the 'experts'.

Sounds easy right?

But what about losing?

What does that look like, and are there signs that you’re about to walk onto a landmine and get blown to pieces?

As it happens there are.

If you’re about to wade into battle try to avoid these landmines…

"Judges are a resourceful lot.

They dislike being ‘ghosted’ by defendants

and don’t give up their pursuit easily"

1. Monopoly of Force.

Long ago when I was in the police I worked with a large imposing cop.

Frank was a warm, gentle giant, always looking for a way to crack a joke or make light of some tough situation.

He was a man of few words, and had a short fuse, especially for troublemakers.

Once he was called to a fast food outlet at 3am.

A large patron was causing a disturbance and refusing to leave.

Frank walked in and told him to go.

‘Only one cop’? the man asked jeeringly.

‘Only one scumbag’ Frank replied deadpan.  

Later when he came to making his statement Frank quoted the man.

“It’ll take a bigger man than you to arrest me” his statement read.  

“I arrested him” was his dry response.

Quite ‘how’ he arrested him was politely left out of his statement.

There’s a lesson there:

if you put it up to the police they can summon unlimited force against you.

Or if they have someone like Frank, just him.

"Only one cop’? the man asked jeeringly.

‘Only one scumbag’ Frank replied deadpan"

 

2 Men (and Women) Behaving Badly.

If you decide to brawl with the police while they’re trying to arrest you, they will be displeased.

So will the court.

Once the judge has heard evidence of bad behaviour it’s really hard to ‘unhear it’.

Which means they can’t forget it.

And won't.

The police don’t expect you to break into a moving rendition of Judy Garland’s “Over the Rainbow’” when they arrest you, but they’d rather you didn’t behave like Lord Voldemort either.

If you use abusive or threatening language towards them, they will be unimpressed.

Then they’ll tell the judge on you.

And then there’ll be trouble.

So don’t do what one of my client’s did when she was arrested.

After being refused a third visit to the toilet she threatened to “s*** on the floor”. 

I’ll always remember the judge pausing to ask the police officer to repeat the expression, almost as if he hadn’t heard it, but in reality to allow the court reporter to get the quote exactly right.

As he did so His Lordship smothered a smile in my direction.

Cue sound of trapdoor opening and the hangman’s noose clawing at your neck…

"Get used to one-star accommodation

as you wile away your days in a little room

with a chap affectionately known by his friends as ‘Killer’

3. Return to Sender

When it comes to court, you don’t get to choose whether you’ll go or not.

And if you fail to appear they don’t do ‘late cancellation’ fees either.

They do arrest warrants instead.

Some people just don’t like turning up to court.

It seems to clash with their busy social calendar of thieving in large department stores.

A warrant issues for their arrest and they’re brought before some benevolent judge somewhere.

They promise the sun, moon and stars to said benevolent judge to turn up to court the next time.

Then they're released and rather than turn up to court again they decide to frequent some other poor business premises.

Another warrant issues, the person is arrested again, cry’s their little eyes out to the next benevolent judge and are granted bail again.

In this way they can seemingly avoid turning up to court permanently.

Alas no.

Judges are a resourceful lot.

They dislike being ‘ghosted’ by defendants and don’t give up their pursuit easily.

Sometimes if they’re feeling particularly joyful a judge will issue a bench warrant for someone and direct that whatever stone they are lurking under, that they be brought direct to them alone i.e. not before some nice judge somewhere.

Then the police turn up on Friday night, arrest the person and if the judge isn’t back on duty till Monday, they’ll spend the weekend in custody.

Then they’re brought to Judge Dread on Monday morning and the judge will practically beam as they slink across the court in chains.

If that's you (I doubt it) get used to one-star accommodation as you wile away your days in a little room with a chap known affectionately by his friends as ‘Killer’.  

"All this means that unless Hannibal Lecter

is driving around in a patrol car most of the police

have no interest in destroying your life"

4. Kevin the Teenager.

Keeping your mouth shut is an art form.

I once represented a man accused of drink driving.

The evidence was that he had crashed into a parked car outside a pub before fleeing the scene.

Unhappily for him a witness happened to be standing outside the pub inconveniently smoking when the crash ‘allegedly’ happened.

As she was giving evidence, I could hear my client sitting behind me muttering the word ‘liar’ and harumphing like an angry teenager whose been told that screen-time is over for the night.

Noticing this the Judge applied a particular legalism to deal with the conundrum, what’s known in the trade as being told to “shut up”. 

It didn’t require a crystal ball to see where that one was going.

5. The police have it in for you.

This is nonsense. If you knew anything about the police, you’d know that the vast majority just want to get through the day without opening their notebooks.

This doesn’t mean that they won’t investigate crimes, but it does mean that they’re not going out of their way to hammer the public either.

So, telling the court that “they’re out to get me” will generally be greeted with rolling eyes, polite coughing and grinning.

Delusions of grandeur aside, you’re not an international drug trafficker or gangland terrorist that they’ve been ‘trying to get’ for years.

They’ve likely never met you before and, sorry to burst your bubble, they never think about you.

Ever.

You know what they think about? “Why is the Superintendent looking to speak to me?” or “that scratch on the patrol car bumper was there before I got here”. 

All this means that unless Hannibal Lecter is driving around in a patrol car most of the police have no interest in destroying your life.

"The old man cried out that he was “very old” and would

“never do that sentence”, possibly even dying in prison.

Most people in court were moved to tears.

Not so Judge Holmes.

“Well then,” he said, leaning forward and fixing

the old man with a withering grin,

“try to do as much of it as you can…”

6. Pick your crime carefully.

There are some offences that really annoy judges right off the bat, usually for personal reasons.

Now you’re in the danger zone and careful steps need to be taken to avoid walking into quicksand.

I knew an old judge who spent every weekend tending to his elderly mother.

While he was impossibly kind to most defendants, and regarded jail as a last resort, woe betide anybody charged with an offence against an elderly person.

Jail was the only option now.

Judge Hugh Holmes reserved a special hatred for people who stole animals.

He was a short man who smiled rarely and held a PhD in sarcasm.

An elderly man was once tried for stealing cattle.

He was found guilty by the jury and it was now Holmes’ ‘time to shine’.

Sentencing him to fifteen years in jail the old man cried out that he was “very old” and would “never do that sentence”, possibly even dying in prison.

Most people in court were moved to tears.

Not so Judge Holmes.

“Well then,” he said, leaning forward and fixing the old man with a withering grin, “try to do as much of it as you can…”

"The judge looked away for a moment seemingly

deep in thought before turning to the young barrister

muttering: “well, that’s the last bit of fun gone out of the law”.

 

7. Hang ‘Em High.

Perspective matters. Just when you think it’s the end of the world, remember, at least you won’t be executed.

Long ago, when juries returned a verdict of guilty for charges of murder,  the presiding judge reached for a black cap.

The black cap was a signal that a grave pronouncement was in the offing.

The court would come to a crushing silence.

The judge would then solemnly place the black cap on their head and loudly issue the verdict of death by execution amid the usual gasps and tears from the gallery.

When news of the government’s decision to ban the death penalty broke in 1964, the story goes that a junior barrister ran to the Law Library to find Mr Justice Kingsmill-Moore.

When he found the old judge the breathless barrister blurted out the news.

Kingsmill-Moore looked away for a moment, seemingly deep in thought, before turning to the young barrister and muttering:

“well, that’s the last bit of fun gone out of the law”.

Who says judges don't have a sense of humour?